Mona Shores vs. Novi

Before the game, while you are staring at the zamboni going around in a circle like a really slow Nascar time trial, you have time to think about stupid things, like PCVS, the new disease I self diagnosed. It’s probably not as debilitating as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), but Phantom Cell phone Vibration Syndrome, where you always feel your cell phone vibrating in your pocket, even when it’s not vibrating or not in your pocket, is no less annoying. And while on the subject of annoying, what is the deal with Brian Engblom’s hair?

He makes Barry Melrose’s mullet look competition worthy and can easily divert attention away from Donald Trump’s coiffe. Why is it that none of the rules of hockey apply when you are standing in front of your opponents net? You can butt end, slash, punch, kick, cross-check, high stick, bite, spit, eye gouge, choke, elbow drop, throw acid on and probably remove your skate and stab someone with it, provided your opponent is bold enough to camp out in front of your net. It’s crazy.

Game two on Saturday at the JF Kennedy Rec Center Practice Rink (why two games on the practice rink? Who’s running this show?/why I oughta...) featured MS against the Novi Wildcats. In scanning their roster, it appeared that Novi had more seniors than the east wing of my grandmother’s nursing home. The Wildcats have also had their share of challenges this season, coming into Showcase with a 8-11-1 record overall. Novi’s coach had a great deal of pro experience (12 years, 9 in the NHL) although this wasn’t expected to weigh heavily in the final score. When your team is having trouble scoring goals but putting a lot of pucks on the net, you need to send more bodies to the net and get more ugly, hideous, repulsive goals. Hopefully, Shores intended to roll the ugliness.

The Sailors jumped on the Wildcats early, holding the puck in the attack zone for the first two minutes and six seconds of play, which like the vast difference in dog years vs. human years, can seem like an eternity in hockey. Sailors fans scattered haphazardly around the practice rink were suddenly filled with optimism that the momentum enjoyed by MS from the competitive opening game was going to carry over into game 2. But as Arnold Schwarzenegger said in the Last Action Hero before unleashing hell, “Not to be.” Novi’s Mark Bernier scored on a wraparound goal against the Sailor’s “Chris Angel” Barrett midway through the first period. With 3:41 remaining, Shores fans prepared their cowbells, handmade maracas, and canned airhorns as Andrew Ulf-"Sax Symbol” and Aust-“In The Back Of The Net” Zaloga went two-on-one with a Wildcat defenseman, who intercepted Ulfsax’s pass in front of the Novi net. More disheartening yet was a devastating hit on David “Rubber Chicken” Coppock, who was eyeing a floating pass out in front of him at the blue line while a Wildcat lined him up with a head of steam at the blue line near the end of the period.

The second period, which always seems to look like we are playing broom ball against players equipped with sticks and pucks, was disastrous for the Sailors. A flurry of goals in sequential order by Novi’s Ryan Potocsky, Matt Fegert, and Adam Szajner doomed the Sailors and chased Barrett from the ice, to be relieved by Scottie “I’m Giving Her All She’s Got Captain” Teifenthal. More two on one opportunities presented themselves to the Sailors as Kyle “Former Mullet” Hicks stole the puck at the offensive blue line, feeding it to Ryan “Grade Meister” Burmeister, whose shot was snatched out of the air by Wildcat goalie Kevin Michalzuk Statue of Liberty style. Later, Tay-“Mo Salami” Moore broke in on the right side of the net, as Mike “One Hour Soto” fed him a bouncing pass with 8:03 remaining, but the spastic puck was too much to handle for the usually sure-handed Moore.

In the third, the ice appeared magnetized in the Novi defensive end and the puck made of steel. Shot after shot by the Sailors resulted in but one strange goal by the Sailors Burmeister, who turned around in the faceoff circle and fired a shot which somehow snuck by Michalzuk with just over a minute remaining in the game. For the contest, the Sailors outshot the Wildcats 24 -19. The MS hit of the game, rapidly becoming a favorite among all but the family of the player on the receiving end, was by Tyler “Mer-Man” McCarl at 5:27 of the 2nd period along the boards in the Sailor defensive end, whereby McCarl hit a Wildcat so hard that several car alarms sounded simultaneously in the parking lot.