East Coast vs West Coast (Hockey not Hip Hop)

An early season word from our raving Mona Blogger, who was raving about East Coast/West Coast rivalries and Tupac Shakur circa early '90s. I'm surprised he missed the obvious lyrical parody opportunity ("I don't give a Puck, they done push me the the limit. The more I live, I might blow up any minute!"). Anyway, it's the first weekend of August and "tha Lunatic" from up north is dropping wisdom about hockey already:

A long Spring/Summer lay-off from hockey naturally results in sloppiness, mental mistakes, confusion, indecision, frustration, crisis in confidence, and ultimately, chaos. But enough about my blogging, it was Hockey Night in West Michigan, and when that phone rang at 3am, I answered the call from the Blogmaster and agreed to terms and an end to my brief life of leisure, travel and temporary retirement from the greatest sport on earth.

Friday August 1, a day that will live in infamy, featured the coaching debut of Level 3 USA hockey coaches and first time varsity bench generals Paul "Chainsaw" Tiefenthal and Bill "I’m Bigger Than Barack In Germany" Hicks. Unlike the East Coast/West Coast rap battles, the only shots fired this weekend were vulcanized rubber, which are non-lethal but can be devastating nonetheless. Expectations were high, with a fast Sailors team featuring somewhere around 300 hopefuls and a visiting Lakeland Eagles squad making their first ever trip to the home of the Sailors. Lakeland Coach Chuck Kennedy, no relation to Sailor hopeful Ryan Kennedy, was also banished from the bench, and initially feared for the safety of his depleted (15 strong) squad as the Sailors came out firing in the first period of the West Coast Shootout, the annual pre-season tourney hosted by the gracious Eric Sikkenga and the Reeths Puffer Rockets, which has grown into Rothbury-type proportions and now featured sixteen teams.

As the Sailors are prone to do, they brought it in the first period, unleashing eleven shots vs. just two for the Eagles. Strong end-to-end play by Chris "I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It" Norkus, son of former Heights Tiger hockey standout Mike Norkus, included a diving poke at the puck to steer it to the net at the 6 minute mark. On the next trip up the ice for the Sailors, Taylor "Give Me" Moore was on the receiving end of a tape to tape pass from fellow forward Tyler McCarl, which Eagle goalie (no rosters to be had by the Mad Blogger for the visiting Eagles) #31 refused from close range. 8:36 into the first, an alert David Coppock picked up a drop pass at the circle and used his off-season improved upper body strength to unleash a guided missel, absorbed by the anonymous Eagle netminder. It wasn’t until the 10 minute mark of the 1^st that the Sailors conceded the first shot on goalie Scottie "Blogger in Training" Tiefenthal. The frantic Sailors ran around like Comcast high speed internet rats in the first, and it appeared the virgin Sailor coaches were a lock for generous contracts offered by the Sailors Administration and their lawyers and a looming coaching controversy for the upcoming season.

Then, the proverbial roof fell in. With the first period ending in an Eagle shot which clanged off the post and left Tiefenthal momentarily tone deaf, the Eagles seized the momentum in the second. Coach Kennedy, unable to address his Eagles during intermission due to MHSAA pre-season restrictions, conducted his speech to the players in sign language from across the rink, and it was all Lakeland. 3:35 into the second, #22, who may have been Jr. Nick Sokoll if the internet can be trusted, deposited the puck halfway up the stick side of Tiefenthal’s net to open the scoring. Sailor Tyler McCarl took this personally, and matched Sokoll’s effort a minute later with 10:12 remaining, assisted by Mike Soto and Moore. As the period waned, goalie Tiefenthal made a diving save which tested the stitching on his sweater during an Eagle PP to keep the score tied at 1 to 1. The momentum turning play and death knell for the Sailors occurred with 3:14 remaining, while time stood still as the puck sat for what seemed like days but was only seconds in front of the Lakeland net, uncovered and mocking the Sailors Moore and Soto, who both took unproductive turns trying to force it to its home in the Eagle net. The second period ended, and Sailor fans began to turn on the new coaches, with one vocal mom shaking her head and catcalling to Hicks and Tiefenthal as they hurriedly made their way to their locker room under a hale of snack foods and beverages from fickle fans.

The third period favored the visitors, as they figuratively undressed the Sailors, pouring shots on Tiefenthal and making the Sailors look about as comfortable as Chris Crocker in a biker bar. Just over 3 minutes into the third, defenseman Ryan Mylenek stayed with his man and kept him from shooting on net, but momentarily lost sight of the puck as it came off his foot like a Freddy Adu centering pass. This resulted in an easy game winning goal by #12 of the visitors from White Lake, MI, who may have been Trevor Lloyd, in the corner pocket. Missed passes, puck chasing, individual play, offsides, and poor shooting were just a few of the Sailor highlights in the third. The Eagles finished off the scoring with 5 minutes remaining from # 19, assisted by #’s 88 and 5. The contracts which had been prematurely prepared after the first period for coaches Hicks and Tiefenthal were quickly shredded and used for confetti to shower the winning Eagles as they exited the ice and headed for their lockeroom in the 3-1 victory. Frustrated Sailor coaches huddled in their plush offices and decided it was time to call in a hired gun, who would join them on the bench for game 2 in an effort to turn the tides.